Posted by: Elle | March 31, 2010

What’s the Point?

What’s the point? What’s the point of living a life I don’t love?

It’s so much easier to be the old version of myself. Seriously. It doesn’t involve tears or pages of writing or goals or really feeling at all. But what’s the point? Why should I just “survive”? Why should I go through the motions? Where’s the fun in any of that.

I’ve recentely met this new version of Elle, and I’ve been telling everyone who I used to know that I was to introduce them to “this new Elle girl”. She’s most present and most excited when she’s excited about life. When she’s got things she wants to do and things she loves to do, and loves everything about her life.

“It is what it is,” is another thing I’ve learned pretty recentely. Mom goes into the hospital? The voice says things like, “She doesn’t love you, she’s trying to leave you, EVERYONE is going to leave you”, when really, all that is true is that she is sick and needs to go to the hospital. If I let those little things eat at me all day, it’s going to drive me crazy.

I’ve also found out that work is just work. It’s not supposed to be your whole life. I have the next two weekends off, and have no idea what normal people do with their weekends, since I’ve been working full-time since I was 14. I’m picking up another job, but I know that it’s not where I want to be in 2 years. It’s a means to an end, but while I’m there, I’m just going to enjoy it. Enjoy meeting new people, making new connections, and just loving it.

I got really present to my own power last night. I went into my old place of employment. Let’s just say I swore I’d never ever go back in there. I’d get my running clothes from a different location. I was just going to have coffee with a friend, and she pushed me to go in. “This is the best time to go in, Elle, I’m right by your side”. And so I pushed myself through those doors, and had great conversations. I got a lot of “you look so different, I don’t know who you are anymore,” and I told them of my adventures.

So, I got a long way to go. Sometimes things aren’t exciting, and sometimes the voice screams things that overpower everything, including logic. But I’m not giving up, and I’m not stopping the fight.

I LOVE MY LIFE. I love everything I do. Now if I could just convince that little voice…

“Live your life each day as you would climb a mountain. An occasional glance towards the summit keeps the goal in mind, but many beautiful scenes are to be observed along the way from each new vantage point.”–Harold Melchart

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Responses

  1. I’ve thoroughly enjoyed reading several of your posts.


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