Posted by: Elle | March 26, 2010

It’s A Process

I generally love the process of things. I love that I can have a final product in mind, and work backwards to achieving it. I love checking things off the list. I love that feeling of stress. I love seeing how things change and the end result of it is so neat.

The process of learning to be fully and truthfully 100% Elle, however, is hard. For the past month or so, I’ve been Elle 95% of the time. Wednesday evening, however, all of that turned around. I was that person who was talking to herself. I was so distracted I would miss my turn on the way to work. I was a little concerned, because I was being 100% this person.

I tried just sleeping it off the first night. It must have been because I was tired. So I did.  And when I woke up the next morning, guess what? Still no Elle. Time for the no fail ways of getting Elle back. A run with D and baby snuggles.

I met up with  D after a short day at work.

“WOW, Elle, How are you?” she inquired. I dodged the question, and took her giggling baby from her. This was sure to make me feel better. And it did, for about 3 minutes.

We started out on our run, and she asked again. “How are you, Elle?”

“I’m just tired. I worked today too.” I wasn’t trying to convince her, honest. I was more trying to convince myself.

She saw right through it. So we started chatting. She’s one of my favourite people to talk to, and one of the first people I had ever had authentic conversations with. More than that, she’s the one who convinced me about landmark. It was nice to have an outside view on the whole concept.

That helped. Until we stopped running. And when I got in the car, I went right back to that person. I was almost panicking at this point, and I sent Paula a message. She insisted it was all part of the transformation, and told me to go back to writing. And so I did. It was draining, and by midnight I was ready for bed.

This morning I woke up. And I’m Elle 50% of the time (like right now). I’m sure that it’ll be easier to get from breakdown to breakthrough in the future. It’s still really hard right now. And I hate the process. But like I’ve said before…”Nobody said it would be easy. They just promised it would be worth it.”

And I’ll leave you with a quote.

“Take chances. Make mistakes, that’s how you grow. Pain nourishes courage. You have to fail in order to practice being brave.”—Mary Tyler Moore

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